2011 Resolutions

OK after the last morbid post I have some positive thinking to do!

This year I plan to lose 15 kgs and go from 73 kgs to 58 kgs by October 2011

I was thinking in going in the BAD ride Ballarat Autumn day ride I may but now I have seen it's 60 km I may rethink that little goal!!

I will run in 3 fun runs this Spring.

Start Kayaking again.

Go on dates with my husband again during school hours and possibly look into a babysitter for the odd evening movie too!

I will dedicate more time to doing one on one things with my children.

I will play with my children more and exercise with them we had a treasure hunt the other day it was awesome!

I am going to re start up Fernwood membership and Yoga.

I will spiritually read as many BK books as possible and try and implement what they teach me. Also try and complete the Brahma Kumaris Foundation Course.

I will regularly go to Linda - my BK friends meditation groups.

Meditate twice a day every single day!

I will have moments where I just sit on a banana lounge and doze after Ive looked at the sky for a bit, god I enjoyed that pre kids!

February I will start the marketing process for my Massage business again and commit to 3 days a week working part time.

We will camp 4 times a year.

I will turn 39+2!!! and this time I shall celebrate it!!

I shall possibly sign the documents needed with Ken having the snip so I never need worry about pregnancy again. That might not happen until December though!

I will garden a little more often and complete a garden bed where I have just removed all half dead bushes and weeds. It will be planted with Pittosporum for privacy and screening and a big standard Robinia (Mop Top) as eventually this area will be my meditation place once the boys stop using my meditation outdoor room (their fort)lol.

I will stop being so angry and start to accept.

I will slowly resume friendships that suffered during the past 12 months and hopefully they will still be there and I will make new friends too.

Have a great new year everyone!

The end of 2010

I sit here typing this in confusion as to why I feel so sad as 2010 was a terrible year for me really I should be so happy on this December 31 that it is all over!. I realise that this time last year about to see 2009 to an end I was also pregnant and by NYD I had well and truely started to miscarry I lost 3 of the babies on public holidays and 1 very close to cup day.

I feel like my whole life will be over next year as I enter a time for the first time in 12 years that I no longer have any children at home. I gave up a entire era breastfeeding for a baby that didn't want to stay and ended a beautiful breastfeeding relationship with Kyan abruptly because of it.

I know that I am not a good person because surely a good person wouldn't have to endure bouts of severe deppression so often and lose babies so frequently? Or probably yell at her kids as much as I am prone to lately.

I was so settled after loss no 4 we would have no more I would have all kids at school 2011 and I would try so many new things we would get a part of our old life back. The last pregnancy unexpected No 5 came at a time I was going through a severe depression, I was suicidal and the baby saved me really, and I truely believe that, but oh I was so anxious and a part of me didn't want to have another baby,I was 40 that had been my cut off date! I felt so awful at feeling sick, my husband dreaded trying to provide for 4 children and eventually around the 7 week mark we finally came to some sort of peace and accepted this baby only to be told 2 weeks later at 9 weeks it's little heart that had been beating had stopped.

From this miscarriage I will lost friends I cannot relate to so many people on so many levels now. After breastfeeding for a total of over 9 years it all ailien to me now, it hurts too much to see people feeding. I can't be around pregnant ladies or listen to people tales of their babies anymore and it's cut off entire circles of friends.

I really thought going through all this my baby came and died to tell me I can do this and live life without medication I can be "normal" but I unsure that I can. I spend 80% angry at the world and when not angry I am so sad I cry. I have no idea what is grief and what is depression.

Last time I grieved this badly was for my mother when she died, I denied the feeling by refusing to eat and lost a massive amount of weight this time I stuff those feeling in with as much food as I can as fast as possible so now have big battle to get to a normal weight again too.

I don't know who I am anymore or how I find out who I really was, it all just feels like a terrible grief and saddness. i don't know how to move on from this at all.

So in brief 2010 I lost 2 babies
I had a severe bout of depression
I ran a mini marathon
I joined a Fernwood and almost felt accepted as a normal person
I gave up breastfeeing
I bonded with Jordan my eldest son for the second time.
I let go of Kyan and accept that he will be ok at school next year

Now I think I will start another thread for my 2011 plans.

Summer in the garden.

I have been busy in the veggie garden harvesting all the silverbeet which was starting to go to seed, I gave most of it to the rabbits and chooks we had eaten all the good stuff, also removed all the onions and got a beautiful crop of large red onions and a smaller not so successful lot of white onions.

I have usually just give the beds a turn and add a few buckets of compost for the next lot of crops. Am putting celery, some more lettuce and coriander in the two vacated beds.

Also brought a Rosella plant which I had not heard of but apparently its very high in Vit C, I will plant it near my Jostaberry, really hoping all these unusual plants don't need another plant to bear fruit as Ive only brought 1 of each!! My Elderberry is doing really well and I can either see the beginning of berries or its flowering.

My kiwi fruit plants of which I know I do need male and female have grown a good 2 metres in height since Spring, amazing can't wait to get some fruit!

The potatoes which Rylan planted this year have really grown well above ground I can't wait to see how many potatoes are growing under ground.

I was given free a ton of sunflower seeds and pretty much planted the lot in the sunhouse and everyone has sprouted so I need a ton of space to plant a big lot of sunflower plants! I am thinking of just putting them all along the front fence just to get rid of them rather than making a new bed for them although I suppose I could just use one of the beds in the veggie garden. Will see what I decide and update you later.

The other week I added some fish emulsion to the veggies and the lettuce is now pretty much ready to eat and looking so healthy and the corn has shot up! My cucumbers are really slow again I am beginning to think I have a black thumb with cucumber, perhaps its just not getting quiet enough sun.

With the animals I have a Hamburg chicken sitting on 3 eggs, there were 8 but upon candling the eggs only 3 were viable so the others got removed. They should hatch within the next 2 weeks I imagine. I wasn't really wanting anymore chickens this year as the limit of 20 per property in Ballarat had changed during the time I have owned property here and its now 6 per block and I am sitting on 15 chickens! I did have one death of one of the old girls and a Barnevelder over the past 8 weeks, but I didn't really wish to replace at this stage so will probably advertise and sell the babies.

Sian and her babies are doing fantastically well, the babies are just gorgeous, I have new homes for nearly all of them now which is lovely, still have not decided which one I will be keeping though, such a hard decision.

New bunnies

Yesterday I took my new little Chocolate Torte doe Ambika into the Daylesford show, it was a long day and really took it out of me but I helped with the stewarding which means you get the rabbits out of the cages as the Judge requires them and your able to learn a lot of the Judges comments. I learnt how to "stack" a mini lop which was exciting! Anyway we came first in one class and second in another so that was great, I took Jordan with me and it gives him some experiences speaking with the Judge, to be honest he looks terrified the entire time, they always seem to ask him some question Ive not prepared him for.

During the week we had an exciting event with Sian my adult Seal Point Doe that lives in the house. She gave birth to 4 kits, 3 days later there is an obvious larger one who's hogging the milk but they are all looking really healthy. I have to be careful to smother my hands in Sians scent whenever handling the babies after washing them so she doesn't smell another rabbit.

She seems to know that there is a new bunny upstairs in my room and she's none too happy about it!

I have in the pipeline Ken thinking about building me a shed for the rabbits and new hutches ans the ebay ones are just rubbish and very hard to clean out. But I am very aware I don't want any rabbits too feel really closed in or have a awful life with me, whether I can fix this via lots of free time in pens on the grass I don't know but it's making me quiet hesitant to buy any more rabbits. I do also enjoy the showing but it terribly boring for the boys and even I feel the day gets longs there so I may be very limited as to when I can show and Ive also always been so against showing of all things really animals or people although I get the concept I think things should be judged on so much more than beauty or what a particular judge is looking for at the time - such as the squishy face with the mini lops.

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With last weekends beautiful weather I did make great headway in weeding the gardening and starting to get it looking somewhat tamer, although the weather got too warm at the beginning of the week so I didn't quiet finish the front garden off. I have started a new compost off for the Summer having used all the compost up nearly that I made over the Winter, I started with all the rabbits hutch contents and some soil.

I had only a small part to finish, I also added some Marigolds to to a garden bed and put wire over it so Pepa the free ranging rabbit didn't immediately eat them, he was watching us and just waiting his moment! Kyan was helping me he's such a lovely little garden helper, often I end up doing whatever he helps with over again but his heart is there and I don't remember any of the other boys wanting to help so I am enjoying the company.

Rabbit manure is so great to be put straight on the garden too and pretty much each time I clean 2 hutches out I get a wheelbarrow of straw and rabbit droppings. This year my Roses are looking awesome and better than ever thanks to this new manure.

I am really finding the garden is like a meditation for me and so peaceful - unless all 3 boys are outside with me then not quiet as peaceful, actually downright noisy!

I put some fish emulsion on the veggie garden last weekend and I cannot believe how things have shot up there too! The little lettuce seedlings planted 3 weeks ago are almost ready to be harvested!

I need to get out three and remove the silverbeet or Rainbow chard, I have given lots to neighbours but it's starting to go to seed now and I should be thinking of planting something else there.

This week I'd like to finish off all the weeding, as it's rained pretty much all yesterday and the ground will be soft and start weeding out the back, I might even lay some grass seed out the back see if it takes with all this wet soil.

I took some pictures late last week of some flowers to remind me that although the garden was a little overgrown there were still some lovely flowers out and worthy of a picture.

Garden Therapy & Nevaeh's Story

I have changed this title 3 times trying to find the appropriate title! Haven't posted in here for quiet some time, not a lot happens in Winter in the vegie garden at my place.

This had been a very emotional couple of months. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant and as I am 40 Ken is 48 and we have 3 boys and had been trying for a fourth but after 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years no more children had been accepted and dealt with. I was actually looking forward to all the things I would be able to take on board again next year. Improving my business exercising more and becoming really fit,kayaking more getting out training the dogs, breeding the rabbits, gardening daily!! We were shocked, surprised and terribly worried once we found out and to finally have a strong heartbeat at 7 weeks found ourselves calming down somewhat both sure this would be our little girl and we would adjust to the massive changes another child would bring.

Unfortunately right on 9 weeks I had an ultrasound and we found her heartbeat had stopped at 8+6 days. I was about to leave for Melbourne for a retreat and was devastated, absolutely shattered, this was my 5th miscarriage (I had one before my first child) and I felt this was so unfair.
Initially I lay in bed for 2 days just waiting in terrible grief, and eventually the hospital told me this could take up to 2 weeks for this baby to be birthed. I refused a D&C I wanted to see it, it was important for me to birth this baby at home. I gave up breastfeeding my 5 year old to ensure this baby had the best start as some Doctors believed with my age that breastfeeding might not have been the best idea while pregnant. I took aspirin every day, I went to to Melbourne and got herbal tea and drank the revolting stuff religiously twice a day. I stopped all exercise just in case, I felt so ill with morning sickness I was sure all would we well.

During the week since we were told I became very angry and was told anger is energy try not to use it on people! I went into the garden I hadn't touched due to morning sickness for weeks and hoed, and dug, and pulled those weeds out with tears streaming as I wept for all my hope that was gone. I pruned with the electric pruner shaping things and cutting blindly It was really therapeutic and poor Ken didn't suffer my anger quiet so much. Funnily enough he dealt with his grief by baking bread, and boy did he bake, he baked 2 loaves per day and while there was bread in his world all was well, he could stay in denial.

On the evening on the 8th November I really weeded hard, I just didn't stop, I was in physical pain by now, and bleeding was slow but consistent. I remembered the night before Kayns birth my little 5 year old that I did much the same thing that is my nesting and weeded all weekend and pruned. I didn't come inside until around 9.15, I took painkillers and went to bed. I woke through the night I knew it was close and at 7.10am on the 09/11/10 at 10 weeks pregnancy 9 weeks gestation little Nevaeh was born, completely whole, little arms and fingers, eyes and a mouth just all really tiny.

Unfortunately I bleed a lot I knew I would I had with the others and this one was older and was taken to emergency and after working on me for an hour I was taken to theatre for a Curette as the bleeding was just not abatting at all.

Since Ive been home Ive read a lot, Ive done a diabetes test that was in the paper todayand came out 1/14 chance of getting it the next 5 years due to fact I let myself get so overweight and having parents that are diabetics, and realised, this baby was sent to me at a time I was severely depressed, she literally saved me from harming myself. Now she is gone and that hospital worked so hard on saving me I have decided no I am not going to let another miscarriage send me to hell, I am fighting back this time, I will get my waist line down to an acceptable risk of 1/100 chance of getting diabetes, I will execise more I will take whatever natural remedies I can to reduce this horrid depression that inflicts meI get and if that doesn't work I will go back on prescription medication again, I will garden like Ive never gardened before!! Because in hard work and nature and the earth, healing happens, it really does I truly believe that with all my heart.

I have 5 little babies buried here now, all around the garden very small little souls that didn't quiet make it, and they have taught me that I can overcome this grief, I can use this tragic effect to change my life and physical heath and I owe this little soul that I really do and then I must become a whole and un grieved mother to my living sons again. I lived through this it's been such a hard week and I lived for a reason I am going to beat depression, I am going to be well and my garden is going to help me.

There will be no more babies for us, Ken is getting a vasectomy, he said he can not ever put me through that again, and I have to say I can never put another little baby through that either so we are both in consent with this decision.

I would like to show you my vegie garden, all work done in grief, and Nevaeh's Crab Apple Tree we planted she is under the tree in a little box. I have discovered through this journey that many people will know not what to say in fact they will say nothing, and many, many people are just with you in so many ways, even if there is distance they are thinking of you and I have been touched by the care that has come to me via this computer. So many friends that have been through similar times.

I hope you like Nevaeh's tree as she joins her sisters in the earth Savannah, Sarah, Amy and Nieve.

Succulents

Not particularly my cup of tea these plants but they are brilliant for the garden in times of drought which we have been in for some time now, although we've had 3 weeks of flood and rain the cynic in me isn't entirely convinced it's over!

They aren't planted into soil but a mixture of sand and pebbles and some soil and can go ages without water as they store an abundant supply in their leaves.

All Cacti are succulents but not all succulents are cacti! That is many don't have the spiny leaves and are in a different family altogether.

Here's some pictures of the prettiest ones, when I enlarged them on the computer the design of them are really quiet intricate!

I do have aloe at home purely for medicial purposes - fantastic for sunburn and some skin disorders, otherwise my garden is largely succulent freee but I did enjoy looking at these ones.

Unique recycling in the garden

Today we went to the Glasshouse at the Botanical Gardens in Ballarat. Wevé been a lot recently the atmosphere is so serene and peaceful, they serve coffee although not so much other food - but we take cut up fruit and biscuits, with 5 in the family you have to improvise and the flower display is simply awesome.

I was really interested to note last time that pretty much all the decorations are made from recycled items. I have included a picture of flax sitting inside a portion of painted and cut off 44 gallon drum. I believe in another picture the rest of the drum is painted the same colour and is holding up a table of flowers. The big purple flowers are painted onto a corrugated cardboard and attached with these bits of curly steel or come sort of metal (I didn't want to poke about too much and get us thrown out) and the use of the steel corrugated borders looked great against the vibrant flowers. There was also a hanging cicle with 3 inner cicles which turned ou to be handpainted paint lids, amazing some people are so clever!

I really love flowers they are such beauty in a world where sometimes beauty can be hard to find as I found out soon after at my sons soccer game!

Candles

With the price of electricity going up and they way they make it I thought it would be wise to invest in some candles. I just love the ambient light produced by candles and also the fact the mood just appears calmer when they are lit, although I do need to remember to be careful to put them all out at the end of the night, I have been caught before and whilst it's handy being married to a career firefighter, he's often working nights and that's when I've been woken with them still going!

So I've attached some of my special candles, I also love fairy lights, which possible aren't that good on the environment but they do look gorgeous! Here are some of my favorite sconces and candles, I have also included my Himalayan salt lamp which are supposed to help with negative ions and they give off a lovely soft light too, I use one in my massage clinic and also my 5 year olds bedroom as a night light.

I've also brought a ton of lanterns for tea lights for outside, as I think this will hopefully draw the bugs away from us in Summer and look great in our new patio area. Otherwise a lot of the lighting outside is just solar, I went a bit manic and brought up a few years ago on $3 solar lights, and while the puppies are having a good go at chewing them I do still seem to have a lot left over!

Secondhand Furniture

I read a blurb today from a book and the writer said many years ago there was no such word as recycling. The had to re-use things many times over as no one had the money and there were no credit cards back then but recyling was what they did. Now it's trendy but it's something I have always been passionate about. Not only does it safe on the hip pocket, but it's the ultimate way in sustainability! All the labour transport costs and the trees used of course to built a piece of furniture - not needed what a bonus!

I couldn't really afford to live alone when I first moved out at 18 years so I boarded with a bunch of people I'd never met, suprisingly for 3 years it did work out ok but I really craved solitude by then and at 21 rented my own tiny little place and needed furniture desperately! Although I did have a day and evening job to survive money was still pretty tight, I brought my first lounge sweet a cane job from a second hand dealer for $245. I think it had been fairly well used prior to me and Ken I and I went on to use it for another 12 years when we met when I was 24 and we finally sold it 6 years ago. where it will once again be re-used.

My tables I got second hand too and I used a very old dryer with a piece of material on it for a table. Mum and Dad gave me a old wireless cabinet which I still use, they were going to throw it up at the tip!

Ivé recently joined a buy swap and sell site on facebook and it's been fantastic for buying old TV cabinet corner units that I have converted into indoor rabbit hutches. This weekend I brought a gorgeous cabinet that I plan to store my essential oils, candles and good spiritual books in. I was so excited to get this it was advertised for $100 and I bargained the lady down to $80 and it's such a bargain! Thick hardwood, no ply on the backing that will fall off and it's really stood the test of time. It was exteamely heavy to get up the stairs and my husband siged and yet another cabinet coming in, but it fits perfectly and I am so pleased it sits with my mother in laws bookcase that was going to the tip, the lounge suite that was given to me by a friend a good 15 years ago that they didn't want. A table and candleabra that I brought 2nd hand from a friend and the clock that was Kens Nana's that we had restored to keep it in the family.

I always feel there is a essence in 2nd hand furniture, it has lived a life really sometimes with a few people, I feel that brand new furniture just has no feel to it. Probably sounds odd but I feel so calm in this room with many mixed pieces in it, it's my meditation and Yoga room and has so much life in it.

By the way the lovely brand new couch we brought that we saved long and hard for? The kids in 5 years have split many of the seams, it looks much older than 5 years. They just don't make them like they used too, unfortunetly!!

Ivé posted some pictures of some of the things I have brought or been gven of pieces of furnature that are being re-used, the first is a really old wireless case, that housed one of those massive wireless/radios in the 1940's (with the plant on top, the second my bargain $80 cabinet, I adore! The third is a bookcase my inlaws were going to throw out that we sanded and re-stained. A couch part of a set we limed and I completely redid the slats underneath for stability, and the last and old corner unit we brought 15 years ago also limed to use just as storage.

Training the dogs

In a house with so many pets, it's vital that they all know their place, and that the ones that can be trained are. Especially as I have 3 young boys that live here too their respective ages being 5, 8 and 11.

I would say for a puppy that no one should buy a dog under the age of 5 and that would be the earliest. Or have the child at an age where they cannot easily get the the dog.

I brought my oldest dog a Golden Retriever when Jordan my 11 year old was 18 months old and he was really being my first child out in the yard alone until he was around 4 years old. Then not with the dog alone as GR's are very boisterous for many, many years and mine is quiet large.

Now we have 17 chickens, 5 rabbits and counting, 3 dogs with one of the bunnies being a house rabbit which means she never goes outside unless supervised - I usually let her and my other adult desexed rabbit Pepa have a run in the veggie garden while I am doing the weeding. Amazingly they don't eat all the veggies!

My house rabbit and all the babies are house litter box trained, this is really to do with rabbits, just confine them to a fairly small area and leave the litter box in the pen and then they will continue to use this once they are free.

My dogs come in pretty regularly and my first challenge in training them was to get them to accept that Sian lives indoors and has free run of the house and is not allowed to be eaten!

Brahma is a Rhodesian Ridgeback and was my first challenge, he is kept in a pen indoors and once settled allowed near the fire place and has run of the lounge area. It really did help that Sian thinks she is a Rottweiler and had absolutely no fear of this puppy or in fact any dog. Basically she didn't run from him and would actually go towards him and charge him at times and completely had him stumped! He never really chased her and their relationship developed into one of a grudgingly mutual respect. If Sian wanted to play they would and if she wanted to be left alone he would do that also.

Phoenix was a little harder to train, he is a sheep dog and while wanting to serve us he also wants to chase and round up ANYTHING including the long grass on our daily walks! He is very smart though and responds very well to weekly dog obedience as does Brahma although being a Ridgeback he is way more laid back and if he feels like doing what is asked he will if not he doesn't! Phoenix the Border Collie wanted to please so when introduced to Sian did follow my instructions to drop and stay and tolerated her getting closer with my close supervision and eventually let me lie him down while she was close to him - although he was very stiff at the time.

I wouldn't leave the dogs alone with the rabbits at all but they are getting better and for 7 month old puppies they are really well behaved, I would ideally like to get Brahma into something way down the track like endurance which is a race where the dog runs along side your bike for I think around 10-20 kms and Phoenix into agility or flyball as he really wants to be worked hard.

Some Winter ramblings

Goodness we are already halfway through the year!! Well the garden is coming along nicely and Ivé not had much time to blog as we have all been very busy with the new baby rabbits and the puppies and we have been building a new patio for some extra cover for all of us for this Spring.

On the chook front most of the girls stopped laying eggs in March, I think at one stage I was getting 1 every 3 days! We held out on having to buy any though and were supplied 2 dozen from a friend with younger layers than us.

Just this month pretty much to the day of the Winter solstice my new (breed by me) barnevelder x Cochin laid her very first egg! My god she let the world know about it too we had a very concerned Henry the rooster pacing the hen house for this egg which I think took about 5 hours to be laid! There are 2 other eggs also being laid surely by my silver laced and blue Wyandottes as they are a good 8 months old now and I would have thought should be laying!

The others are still having a good Winters rest though.

I have been given a ton of used straw shavings from a breeder friend with lots of rabbits, in the mix which they just throw away there is straw, rabbit droppings, wood shavings (all untreated so safe for garden) and there is some uneaten rabbit food in there too. By chance after using a lot of this on the garden as mulch where it will improve the soils greatly I decided to put some in the chook pen, we have a particular area that just gets walked on and turned by the chooks so much the soil is sour and smells really awful! This only seems to happen in Winter. I threw the rabbit mix on and not only did the smell go and the sawdust soaked up the moisture but the chooks had a ball sifting through the mix to get to the uneaten rabbit food! A bonus all around! I also added some to the composts I have going which are all breaking down well, hopefully I shall have a huge amount to use on the garden for Spring plantings.

The veggie garden is going well we ate all the pak choy, the rocket gets used pretty much every second day and is getting quiet large the same with the lettuces and the silver beet and radishes, the Japenese Turnips are a little slow but that's ok they were a bit of an experiment.

I have now removed all the celery which had gone hard but was still good food for the rabbits and chooks and replanted more pak choy in that area.

At a recent rabbit show I brought a few bags on wood shavings, most I will use as rabbit bedding but I saved a bag to spread around the edges on the veggie garden to see if this would be a good organic way to keep the snails at bay, will let you all know how that works out.

I would really love to grow some potato's but don't really have a spot in the sun for them, might have to try and source a old wine barrel from freecycle. Have had some great times in the veggie garden lately, somehow the feeling of pulling weeds for the chooks and clearing the beds for the veggies to flourish makes me really feel at one with the earth. I also have the 2 oldest rabbits out for a play, Sian and Pepa and I really love watching them tease each other and hop round happily.

Speaking of the rabbits, Sian has been shown twice in the past couple of months and the first time she came both 1st and second in her class and last time she came 1st this is all in the pet section though so I cannot wait to see how the new babies fare in the proper classes.

The pups are now 6 months and eager to walk each day, I need to use a harness devise to walk Brahma though and a Halti for Phoenix as they both pull terribly and they are strong! Brahma and Sian play well together although this past week I am really having to watch Brahma closely for signs he might want to nip her we did have one close call. Sian is definitely a house rabbit now, we converted an old TV cabinet for her to sleep in and she just runs lose all day otherwise until we go to bed. She comes and has breckie with us and if I am folding washing you can be sure she is helping! Although some might call grabbing the socks and throwing them off the couch more of a hindrance! When Rylan goes to bed, every night she goes up there with him and sleeps next to his head until about 10 or until we watch TV when she comes back up to us.