Friday, November 12, 2010

Garden Therapy & Nevaeh's Story

I have changed this title 3 times trying to find the appropriate title! Haven't posted in here for quiet some time, not a lot happens in Winter in the vegie garden at my place.

This had been a very emotional couple of months. At the end of October I found out I was pregnant and as I am 40 Ken is 48 and we have 3 boys and had been trying for a fourth but after 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years no more children had been accepted and dealt with. I was actually looking forward to all the things I would be able to take on board again next year. Improving my business exercising more and becoming really fit,kayaking more getting out training the dogs, breeding the rabbits, gardening daily!! We were shocked, surprised and terribly worried once we found out and to finally have a strong heartbeat at 7 weeks found ourselves calming down somewhat both sure this would be our little girl and we would adjust to the massive changes another child would bring.

Unfortunately right on 9 weeks I had an ultrasound and we found her heartbeat had stopped at 8+6 days. I was about to leave for Melbourne for a retreat and was devastated, absolutely shattered, this was my 5th miscarriage (I had one before my first child) and I felt this was so unfair.
Initially I lay in bed for 2 days just waiting in terrible grief, and eventually the hospital told me this could take up to 2 weeks for this baby to be birthed. I refused a D&C I wanted to see it, it was important for me to birth this baby at home. I gave up breastfeeding my 5 year old to ensure this baby had the best start as some Doctors believed with my age that breastfeeding might not have been the best idea while pregnant. I took aspirin every day, I went to to Melbourne and got herbal tea and drank the revolting stuff religiously twice a day. I stopped all exercise just in case, I felt so ill with morning sickness I was sure all would we well.

During the week since we were told I became very angry and was told anger is energy try not to use it on people! I went into the garden I hadn't touched due to morning sickness for weeks and hoed, and dug, and pulled those weeds out with tears streaming as I wept for all my hope that was gone. I pruned with the electric pruner shaping things and cutting blindly It was really therapeutic and poor Ken didn't suffer my anger quiet so much. Funnily enough he dealt with his grief by baking bread, and boy did he bake, he baked 2 loaves per day and while there was bread in his world all was well, he could stay in denial.

On the evening on the 8th November I really weeded hard, I just didn't stop, I was in physical pain by now, and bleeding was slow but consistent. I remembered the night before Kayns birth my little 5 year old that I did much the same thing that is my nesting and weeded all weekend and pruned. I didn't come inside until around 9.15, I took painkillers and went to bed. I woke through the night I knew it was close and at 7.10am on the 09/11/10 at 10 weeks pregnancy 9 weeks gestation little Nevaeh was born, completely whole, little arms and fingers, eyes and a mouth just all really tiny.

Unfortunately I bleed a lot I knew I would I had with the others and this one was older and was taken to emergency and after working on me for an hour I was taken to theatre for a Curette as the bleeding was just not abatting at all.

Since Ive been home Ive read a lot, Ive done a diabetes test that was in the paper todayand came out 1/14 chance of getting it the next 5 years due to fact I let myself get so overweight and having parents that are diabetics, and realised, this baby was sent to me at a time I was severely depressed, she literally saved me from harming myself. Now she is gone and that hospital worked so hard on saving me I have decided no I am not going to let another miscarriage send me to hell, I am fighting back this time, I will get my waist line down to an acceptable risk of 1/100 chance of getting diabetes, I will execise more I will take whatever natural remedies I can to reduce this horrid depression that inflicts meI get and if that doesn't work I will go back on prescription medication again, I will garden like Ive never gardened before!! Because in hard work and nature and the earth, healing happens, it really does I truly believe that with all my heart.

I have 5 little babies buried here now, all around the garden very small little souls that didn't quiet make it, and they have taught me that I can overcome this grief, I can use this tragic effect to change my life and physical heath and I owe this little soul that I really do and then I must become a whole and un grieved mother to my living sons again. I lived through this it's been such a hard week and I lived for a reason I am going to beat depression, I am going to be well and my garden is going to help me.

There will be no more babies for us, Ken is getting a vasectomy, he said he can not ever put me through that again, and I have to say I can never put another little baby through that either so we are both in consent with this decision.

I would like to show you my vegie garden, all work done in grief, and Nevaeh's Crab Apple Tree we planted she is under the tree in a little box. I have discovered through this journey that many people will know not what to say in fact they will say nothing, and many, many people are just with you in so many ways, even if there is distance they are thinking of you and I have been touched by the care that has come to me via this computer. So many friends that have been through similar times.

I hope you like Nevaeh's tree as she joins her sisters in the earth Savannah, Sarah, Amy and Nieve.


  1. I am so, so amazed by your strength. To go through such pain, and to come out a fighter where others would have succumbed to grief is truly inspirational.
    Thank you for sharing such a personal journey with me (us).

  2. Thinking of you everyday honey. XX