Thursday, December 30, 2010
The end of 2010
I sit here typing this in confusion as to why I feel so sad as 2010 was a terrible year for me really I should be so happy on this December 31 that it is all over!. I realise that this time last year about to see 2009 to an end I was also pregnant and by NYD I had well and truely started to miscarry I lost 3 of the babies on public holidays and 1 very close to cup day.
I feel like my whole life will be over next year as I enter a time for the first time in 12 years that I no longer have any children at home. I gave up a entire era breastfeeding for a baby that didn't want to stay and ended a beautiful breastfeeding relationship with Kyan abruptly because of it.
I know that I am not a good person because surely a good person wouldn't have to endure bouts of severe deppression so often and lose babies so frequently? Or probably yell at her kids as much as I am prone to lately.
I was so settled after loss no 4 we would have no more I would have all kids at school 2011 and I would try so many new things we would get a part of our old life back. The last pregnancy unexpected No 5 came at a time I was going through a severe depression, I was suicidal and the baby saved me really, and I truely believe that, but oh I was so anxious and a part of me didn't want to have another baby,I was 40 that had been my cut off date! I felt so awful at feeling sick, my husband dreaded trying to provide for 4 children and eventually around the 7 week mark we finally came to some sort of peace and accepted this baby only to be told 2 weeks later at 9 weeks it's little heart that had been beating had stopped.
From this miscarriage I will lost friends I cannot relate to so many people on so many levels now. After breastfeeding for a total of over 9 years it all ailien to me now, it hurts too much to see people feeding. I can't be around pregnant ladies or listen to people tales of their babies anymore and it's cut off entire circles of friends.
I really thought going through all this my baby came and died to tell me I can do this and live life without medication I can be "normal" but I unsure that I can. I spend 80% angry at the world and when not angry I am so sad I cry. I have no idea what is grief and what is depression.
Last time I grieved this badly was for my mother when she died, I denied the feeling by refusing to eat and lost a massive amount of weight this time I stuff those feeling in with as much food as I can as fast as possible so now have big battle to get to a normal weight again too.
I don't know who I am anymore or how I find out who I really was, it all just feels like a terrible grief and saddness. i don't know how to move on from this at all.
So in brief 2010 I lost 2 babies
I had a severe bout of depression
I ran a mini marathon
I joined a Fernwood and almost felt accepted as a normal person
I gave up breastfeeing
I bonded with Jordan my eldest son for the second time.
I let go of Kyan and accept that he will be ok at school next year
Now I think I will start another thread for my 2011 plans.