Winter around the home

I haven't blogged a lot this year. I am still getting over last year. I wish I could talk about that but to be honest I wouldn't even know where to start. Maybe if I could if might be cathartic or maybe someone would take my words and twist them around I have no idea. Anyway I feel like I am going through a type of grieving I can be fine one day and no so good the next. I guess things improve with time.

Yoga has been a huge part of my life for 7 years now 

These shots are taken from home but I have finally returned to classes at my friends studio where I gained so much support last year.

Yoga is amazing for stress and I guess as a result of what I have been through over the past 12 months it's like a huge form of grief and yoga is also brilliant for dealing with the feeling associated with this.

I have also been able to find joy in my garden again and these are some shorts from around the place.

Pansies in a bucket.

Water feature outside my clinic.

Snapdragons.

Toadstools in my backyard. 

I like this quote. Need a little more of the amazing here although my kids are amazing. Xxx

Autumn 2016 - preparing to return to work.

Finally, I am really enjoying some garden time, the weather has cooled, I got an hour of time back - only had to wait 6 months - anyone who has daylight savings will know what I am on about!

I collected 20 bags of Oak leaves from a nearby park, the soil here is dry and repellant and I need to add to it so I watered those down and put all over the front garden then added sugar cane mulch, this should keep the weeds down over Winter/Spring season.

I weeded and mulched the 12 fruit trees also. Lots of work, but I'm still taking some time off paid work so I'm loving this time outdoors.

This is the area outside my clinic, it had a massive half dead Diosma so I decided to remove it and put some Bamboo and a feature flower, then I planed a ton of bulbs along the front, it should look good come Spring.

These missed Petunia season and we're all dead, so I repotted with more Pansies for the Winter Spring.

Thîs area had two hedges, one was completely dead, so I removed both.

We found some old bricks and planted this, now it has some more plants and couple of solar lights too.

We have two new family members, we did not buy the middle one.

Introducing Bubbles and Squeek. I love them, they are simply adorable babies.

I try to keep Monty away from them!

I have decided to return to work on less hours next month so with some free time and in a moment of energy I joined up with many online course some include;

Nutrition and Medicine

Exercise and the prescription and treatment of prevention of disease

What is a MIND?

Food as Medicine

Psychology and mental health

I have just completed a 4 week one for PTSD that has given me some insight and new strategies so feeling very positive after this one.

Most of the others run over the next few months online through various Universities over the world, I completed a Mindfulness one last year through Monash Uni and loved it, they are super short between 4-8 weeks and you can pay for a certificate on completion, really I'm doing it as I like to keep my mind active and these subjects interest me.

Melbourne Garden Show 2016 - Returning to Melbourne

I don't believe I have been on a train to Melbourne since July/August last year, I'm not the person I used to be and Melbourne is no longer a place I feel so safe or enjoy very much anymore, but I was so keen to start working in my garden again now I am feeling good again and the weather is cooler.  I thought I would be ok. This year maybe would be the last my eldest would be keen to accompany me and my husband was off shift so was able to care for the younger two kids so it was decided.  Of to Southern Cross Station we went!

This garden, didn't quite get finished in time to be judged, but it was completed by a Man under 25 and for his first effort I thought it was pretty brilliant.

The tree in the back left corner has leaves made of green ribbons.

Love this log path effect.

And this.

So many clever artistic designers about.

Love mosaic, wish I knew how to do this!

Beautiful colour arrangement here.

The wall art here intriguing and special.

Enjoy rust in the garden.

This garden was awesome except for two ghastly sculptures I did not photograph. Otherwise it looked great!

Protea bliss

I wonder where they got this from!

Brilliant!

So we could not go into the flower hall, I did not do so well once we got off the train, I was ok once we left the station but crowds and noisy places I cannot manage. We tried the flower hall, it was very crowded, I lasted 2 minutes.  The garden show we went through quite quickly but still had a good time, it was not a crowed as last year and I did manage to get some bulbs. Finally after months and months I had some of my own garden interest back and am starting the long journey to getting my garden looking nice again for Spring.  :)

The end/the start. Maybe.

Last year I had to make a decision to get up and live.  This is my sons and I two day after I decided to eat again.

The thumbs up is that I can actually stand without passing out.  That was Christmas Eve. My sister had done so much for me and supported me through testifying in two very stressing court cases so I decided I needed to get up and eat.   In the 4 months prior I had become so anxious and had so many issue with flashback from my past I physically couldn't eat.  I had lost about 26 kilos by then.

Now 6 weeks later I am back on track, I've caused chronic damage to my quads, for someone that cycled 100 kms a week, walked 80 km and did yoga every day, now I do a little bit of swimming, walk minimally and do this. I am hoping its going to get better I love my exercise!

When I first started SUPPING again, I was still really not very strong, I'm don't really understand why as to get me through court my body seemed to be able to do anything. Now it's over it's not able to do much at all.  I went with the family and I ended up getting carried way out over to the middle island, I guess 2 km out.  I don't wear a life jacket I figure I am strong swimmer. I could not get back in, everytime I tried I would get pushed back out - this town can be very windy. I had also drifted 3 kms up from the family who by now we're not even facing the lake as the sun had gotten in their eyes. No one really noticed I was in trouble and anyway there were no water police, no one fishing and I am so stubborn like hell was I going to wave and shout "I'm in trouble" I was going to have to deal with this myself regardless.

I had to get on my knees to paddle I was so tired, I recognised I was fatigued and paddled really hard, finally getting somewhere, the realising I couldn't see my car or recognise the area I was paddling too and with dismay saw I had so many km's to get back to where I was.

I did get back, I got angry at the water, I got teary, I was in masses on leg pain by then, and I stood up and roared with the last bit of energy I had left.  I got back and went to step off the SUP and couldn't walk, my husband had to assist me and for 40 minute afterwards my quads would not support my weight. 

It felt like a bit of an epiphany really. I am still angry that people didn't let me drown after court, I could not cope with that verdict.  I took the risk of telling my story to be believed by some and it destroyed my soul.  But ultimately it's not them that can fix me either through this and the feelings this has brought up.  It's me. I can't work out what I have to do to fully heal yet but I guess it's going to come. I do know only I can fix me. No one else. Some days I feel unfixable, completely broken. Other days my angry days, I feel like there's hope. There's before court and there's after. Before was stress and anxiety, it could have all been avoided by the truth, acknowledgement and an apology and there's  after, feelings of devestation even with a guilty no apology when that was all I needed to start to heal. For my family this month is a time for moving on, my husband has started a new job.  It's wonderful for him, new opportunity and meeting new people for the first time in ages he sounds happy. He gets to live away from me for for 4 days each week.  I am glad for him. 

My children return to school this week. I will miss them, this past year has been the worst in all our lives, I am trying to reconnect with all of them.

My youngest and I have done some fishing, the eldest doesn't leave my side much we do a lot together, we rode the lake last week, first time I have actually been able to cycle more than 5 km, baby steps but getting there.

My middle child is harder, he has been terribly effected by the publicity, the comments, the stress on me. He does enjoy coming out on the SUP though so we do that.

I don't know when I will return to work, I'm shattered that's been effected so much, I need huge strength to do the work I do and it's my business built up over 10 years, I miss my clients terribly, but I need to be 100% healthy to start again.  I'm not ready yet.

We did make an effort for NYE just the family we don't mix so much, I am not ready to see many people yet, but the food was nice, My eldest and I prepared dinner so we could see out the worst year ever.

My friend Annie gave me these bulbs, I got them in pretty late, sometimes it takes me a while to get motivated, but they were the best suprise when I did get down to the garden in January. Some days I try garden for 30 minutes, it distracts me and I find after during that time my legs didn't ache, my mind wasn't sad. Something's working.

Just beautiful.

For myself I have no plans.  I can't even find the energy to fill in paperwork to receive help. So I will just try and be a Mum for a bit.

Next week I will speak to the Royal Commission into childhood sexual abuse.  My story involved 3 seperate instances all based or taken from institutions. The person I reported in 2013 and ultimately the Police took to court, her part was part of it. A small part though. Maybe one day I will be glad I reported it, not so much today though. Writing it all out had completely drained me, my story isn't unique that's the sad part, this stuff is just so prevalent. I am determined it gets told so much about it was wrong.

Sorry not a very positive post, life is like that sometimes.

Lots of thinking time.

I have had a lot of thinking time this week when I haven't been asleep. My youngest child shared his virus from hell with me and I'm a big believer in herbal remedies which I tried madly for 5 days and they did help I was definately healing but after being a sleep for 3 days straight not being able to sleep or eat or actually get out of bed and walk very well and dropping 3 kgs fast my GP out me on antibiotics and I really never take these things but gee when something is bacterial my goodness they work fast!  I still look dreadful, I am still tired but I feel like a new woman, I can eat again things have taste and I can walk around my garden again! 2 other members of the family have it now and are still coughing so might be time for them to get AB's too I think. It certainly was not the flu but not a cold either. Weird.

Anyway I had time to look at some pictures over the years of things that hold dear to my heart right now and I thought I would share.

My family, this is from a few years back, the kids are all 4 years older, but these people, my kids are who I live for.

My garden, I love it, we live on almost an acre and I love every bit from the fruit trees, the chooks, the front cottage garden to the veggie garden, it's so much work ontop of raising 3 kids and running a business but I like being busy and this year I've spent a lot of time on there and had a lot of time off work sadly so it heals me and grounds me.

Other people's artwork relating to the garden, I buy it it at markets and it makes my garden look good. Makes me happy.

Doing really fun stuff with my kids, this was recently at the lake, my son was a little self conscious at other people watching us SUP as it was very busy there, I tune people out easily I just don't look at them, lol. His biggest fear happened and I calmly watched my very proficient swimmer fall off the board lose the paddle, dive under retrieve it jump back on the board and do a victory salute! I swear other parents were watching me wondering when I was going to jump in and save him and I know my kids well though, he would have died of embarrassment had I jumped in hysterically.  We went straight home for a warm shower and he was on a natural high. "Omg mum falling in wasn't so bad, best fun EVER, can we go go back  so I can fall in again"? Lol

My favorite thing, exercising, warmth, water and not falling off!

Simple things like the sunset, knowing another beautiful day is coming tomorrow and I am going to be ok.

My dog, he's not looking good here, his face was swollen and he had just been stung by a bee, but he's always there for me.

My chooks, I just love them, my rooster most of all, I love that he wakes me at sunlight when I am meant to be up. This isn't my rooster it's a hen. 

My spiritual beliefs, and constant desire to learn all I can about being a better person spiritually, that learning never ends for me.

My yoga, I absolutely adore my yoga, I will practise everyday either at the studio or at home, I have the best yoga teacher ever who has become a really close and special friend to me, I have seen her go through adversity and come through and she is someone I admire greatly and have learnt from and continue to learn from everytime I talk to her and she has seen me go through and helped me through a tough time too and been there every step on the way.

Finally I have mastered two differed types of headstand, something I needed to do by December. It's all in video though I can't work out how to get that on blogger.

Garden shows and getting out into the world showing kids things that can be created by others be it in an art gallery or in a garden, we go to many open gardens, I want my kiss to love and appreciate a beautiful garden too.

Found him!  My rooster Henry, my alarm clock. The people in the new units to be built right on my boundary fence may not love him so much though...progress, :(

One of my bikes, I have a good life.

I want to mention friends, but I am hesitant to post pictures of them but I have a few who have been amazing this year, really amazing, I hope I can be as special to them one day.

Healthy food and coffee, I love it!

One of them gave me these beautiful flowers, another takes me to the movies often just to get mymi d distracted for a bit off, another goes for coffee with me, and another sends me texts and cards to keep my spirits up, many came walking with me when I was fast walking all time. I am really very blessed, most won't read this, they aren't aware I blog, but thank you. Xxx