2011 Resolutions

OK after the last morbid post I have some positive thinking to do!

This year I plan to lose 15 kgs and go from 73 kgs to 58 kgs by October 2011

I was thinking in going in the BAD ride Ballarat Autumn day ride I may but now I have seen it's 60 km I may rethink that little goal!!

I will run in 3 fun runs this Spring.

Start Kayaking again.

Go on dates with my husband again during school hours and possibly look into a babysitter for the odd evening movie too!

I will dedicate more time to doing one on one things with my children.

I will play with my children more and exercise with them we had a treasure hunt the other day it was awesome!

I am going to re start up Fernwood membership and Yoga.

I will spiritually read as many BK books as possible and try and implement what they teach me. Also try and complete the Brahma Kumaris Foundation Course.

I will regularly go to Linda - my BK friends meditation groups.

Meditate twice a day every single day!

I will have moments where I just sit on a banana lounge and doze after Ive looked at the sky for a bit, god I enjoyed that pre kids!

February I will start the marketing process for my Massage business again and commit to 3 days a week working part time.

We will camp 4 times a year.

I will turn 39+2!!! and this time I shall celebrate it!!

I shall possibly sign the documents needed with Ken having the snip so I never need worry about pregnancy again. That might not happen until December though!

I will garden a little more often and complete a garden bed where I have just removed all half dead bushes and weeds. It will be planted with Pittosporum for privacy and screening and a big standard Robinia (Mop Top) as eventually this area will be my meditation place once the boys stop using my meditation outdoor room (their fort)lol.

I will stop being so angry and start to accept.

I will slowly resume friendships that suffered during the past 12 months and hopefully they will still be there and I will make new friends too.

Have a great new year everyone!

The end of 2010

I sit here typing this in confusion as to why I feel so sad as 2010 was a terrible year for me really I should be so happy on this December 31 that it is all over!. I realise that this time last year about to see 2009 to an end I was also pregnant and by NYD I had well and truely started to miscarry I lost 3 of the babies on public holidays and 1 very close to cup day.

I feel like my whole life will be over next year as I enter a time for the first time in 12 years that I no longer have any children at home. I gave up a entire era breastfeeding for a baby that didn't want to stay and ended a beautiful breastfeeding relationship with Kyan abruptly because of it.

I know that I am not a good person because surely a good person wouldn't have to endure bouts of severe deppression so often and lose babies so frequently? Or probably yell at her kids as much as I am prone to lately.

I was so settled after loss no 4 we would have no more I would have all kids at school 2011 and I would try so many new things we would get a part of our old life back. The last pregnancy unexpected No 5 came at a time I was going through a severe depression, I was suicidal and the baby saved me really, and I truely believe that, but oh I was so anxious and a part of me didn't want to have another baby,I was 40 that had been my cut off date! I felt so awful at feeling sick, my husband dreaded trying to provide for 4 children and eventually around the 7 week mark we finally came to some sort of peace and accepted this baby only to be told 2 weeks later at 9 weeks it's little heart that had been beating had stopped.

From this miscarriage I will lost friends I cannot relate to so many people on so many levels now. After breastfeeding for a total of over 9 years it all ailien to me now, it hurts too much to see people feeding. I can't be around pregnant ladies or listen to people tales of their babies anymore and it's cut off entire circles of friends.

I really thought going through all this my baby came and died to tell me I can do this and live life without medication I can be "normal" but I unsure that I can. I spend 80% angry at the world and when not angry I am so sad I cry. I have no idea what is grief and what is depression.

Last time I grieved this badly was for my mother when she died, I denied the feeling by refusing to eat and lost a massive amount of weight this time I stuff those feeling in with as much food as I can as fast as possible so now have big battle to get to a normal weight again too.

I don't know who I am anymore or how I find out who I really was, it all just feels like a terrible grief and saddness. i don't know how to move on from this at all.

So in brief 2010 I lost 2 babies
I had a severe bout of depression
I ran a mini marathon
I joined a Fernwood and almost felt accepted as a normal person
I gave up breastfeeing
I bonded with Jordan my eldest son for the second time.
I let go of Kyan and accept that he will be ok at school next year

Now I think I will start another thread for my 2011 plans.

Summer in the garden.

I have been busy in the veggie garden harvesting all the silverbeet which was starting to go to seed, I gave most of it to the rabbits and chooks we had eaten all the good stuff, also removed all the onions and got a beautiful crop of large red onions and a smaller not so successful lot of white onions.

I have usually just give the beds a turn and add a few buckets of compost for the next lot of crops. Am putting celery, some more lettuce and coriander in the two vacated beds.

Also brought a Rosella plant which I had not heard of but apparently its very high in Vit C, I will plant it near my Jostaberry, really hoping all these unusual plants don't need another plant to bear fruit as Ive only brought 1 of each!! My Elderberry is doing really well and I can either see the beginning of berries or its flowering.

My kiwi fruit plants of which I know I do need male and female have grown a good 2 metres in height since Spring, amazing can't wait to get some fruit!

The potatoes which Rylan planted this year have really grown well above ground I can't wait to see how many potatoes are growing under ground.

I was given free a ton of sunflower seeds and pretty much planted the lot in the sunhouse and everyone has sprouted so I need a ton of space to plant a big lot of sunflower plants! I am thinking of just putting them all along the front fence just to get rid of them rather than making a new bed for them although I suppose I could just use one of the beds in the veggie garden. Will see what I decide and update you later.

The other week I added some fish emulsion to the veggies and the lettuce is now pretty much ready to eat and looking so healthy and the corn has shot up! My cucumbers are really slow again I am beginning to think I have a black thumb with cucumber, perhaps its just not getting quiet enough sun.

With the animals I have a Hamburg chicken sitting on 3 eggs, there were 8 but upon candling the eggs only 3 were viable so the others got removed. They should hatch within the next 2 weeks I imagine. I wasn't really wanting anymore chickens this year as the limit of 20 per property in Ballarat had changed during the time I have owned property here and its now 6 per block and I am sitting on 15 chickens! I did have one death of one of the old girls and a Barnevelder over the past 8 weeks, but I didn't really wish to replace at this stage so will probably advertise and sell the babies.

Sian and her babies are doing fantastically well, the babies are just gorgeous, I have new homes for nearly all of them now which is lovely, still have not decided which one I will be keeping though, such a hard decision.