The end/the start. Maybe.

Last year I had to make a decision to get up and live.  This is my sons and I two day after I decided to eat again.

The thumbs up is that I can actually stand without passing out.  That was Christmas Eve. My sister had done so much for me and supported me through testifying in two very stressing court cases so I decided I needed to get up and eat.   In the 4 months prior I had become so anxious and had so many issue with flashback from my past I physically couldn't eat.  I had lost about 26 kilos by then.

Now 6 weeks later I am back on track, I've caused chronic damage to my quads, for someone that cycled 100 kms a week, walked 80 km and did yoga every day, now I do a little bit of swimming, walk minimally and do this. I am hoping its going to get better I love my exercise!

When I first started SUPPING again, I was still really not very strong, I'm don't really understand why as to get me through court my body seemed to be able to do anything. Now it's over it's not able to do much at all.  I went with the family and I ended up getting carried way out over to the middle island, I guess 2 km out.  I don't wear a life jacket I figure I am strong swimmer. I could not get back in, everytime I tried I would get pushed back out - this town can be very windy. I had also drifted 3 kms up from the family who by now we're not even facing the lake as the sun had gotten in their eyes. No one really noticed I was in trouble and anyway there were no water police, no one fishing and I am so stubborn like hell was I going to wave and shout "I'm in trouble" I was going to have to deal with this myself regardless.

I had to get on my knees to paddle I was so tired, I recognised I was fatigued and paddled really hard, finally getting somewhere, the realising I couldn't see my car or recognise the area I was paddling too and with dismay saw I had so many km's to get back to where I was.

I did get back, I got angry at the water, I got teary, I was in masses on leg pain by then, and I stood up and roared with the last bit of energy I had left.  I got back and went to step off the SUP and couldn't walk, my husband had to assist me and for 40 minute afterwards my quads would not support my weight. 

It felt like a bit of an epiphany really. I am still angry that people didn't let me drown after court, I could not cope with that verdict.  I took the risk of telling my story to be believed by some and it destroyed my soul.  But ultimately it's not them that can fix me either through this and the feelings this has brought up.  It's me. I can't work out what I have to do to fully heal yet but I guess it's going to come. I do know only I can fix me. No one else. Some days I feel unfixable, completely broken. Other days my angry days, I feel like there's hope. There's before court and there's after. Before was stress and anxiety, it could have all been avoided by the truth, acknowledgement and an apology and there's  after, feelings of devestation even with a guilty no apology when that was all I needed to start to heal. For my family this month is a time for moving on, my husband has started a new job.  It's wonderful for him, new opportunity and meeting new people for the first time in ages he sounds happy. He gets to live away from me for for 4 days each week.  I am glad for him. 

My children return to school this week. I will miss them, this past year has been the worst in all our lives, I am trying to reconnect with all of them.

My youngest and I have done some fishing, the eldest doesn't leave my side much we do a lot together, we rode the lake last week, first time I have actually been able to cycle more than 5 km, baby steps but getting there.

My middle child is harder, he has been terribly effected by the publicity, the comments, the stress on me. He does enjoy coming out on the SUP though so we do that.

I don't know when I will return to work, I'm shattered that's been effected so much, I need huge strength to do the work I do and it's my business built up over 10 years, I miss my clients terribly, but I need to be 100% healthy to start again.  I'm not ready yet.

We did make an effort for NYE just the family we don't mix so much, I am not ready to see many people yet, but the food was nice, My eldest and I prepared dinner so we could see out the worst year ever.

My friend Annie gave me these bulbs, I got them in pretty late, sometimes it takes me a while to get motivated, but they were the best suprise when I did get down to the garden in January. Some days I try garden for 30 minutes, it distracts me and I find after during that time my legs didn't ache, my mind wasn't sad. Something's working.

Just beautiful.

For myself I have no plans.  I can't even find the energy to fill in paperwork to receive help. So I will just try and be a Mum for a bit.

Next week I will speak to the Royal Commission into childhood sexual abuse.  My story involved 3 seperate instances all based or taken from institutions. The person I reported in 2013 and ultimately the Police took to court, her part was part of it. A small part though. Maybe one day I will be glad I reported it, not so much today though. Writing it all out had completely drained me, my story isn't unique that's the sad part, this stuff is just so prevalent. I am determined it gets told so much about it was wrong.

Sorry not a very positive post, life is like that sometimes.

Lots of thinking time.

I have had a lot of thinking time this week when I haven't been asleep. My youngest child shared his virus from hell with me and I'm a big believer in herbal remedies which I tried madly for 5 days and they did help I was definately healing but after being a sleep for 3 days straight not being able to sleep or eat or actually get out of bed and walk very well and dropping 3 kgs fast my GP out me on antibiotics and I really never take these things but gee when something is bacterial my goodness they work fast!  I still look dreadful, I am still tired but I feel like a new woman, I can eat again things have taste and I can walk around my garden again! 2 other members of the family have it now and are still coughing so might be time for them to get AB's too I think. It certainly was not the flu but not a cold either. Weird.

Anyway I had time to look at some pictures over the years of things that hold dear to my heart right now and I thought I would share.

My family, this is from a few years back, the kids are all 4 years older, but these people, my kids are who I live for.

My garden, I love it, we live on almost an acre and I love every bit from the fruit trees, the chooks, the front cottage garden to the veggie garden, it's so much work ontop of raising 3 kids and running a business but I like being busy and this year I've spent a lot of time on there and had a lot of time off work sadly so it heals me and grounds me.

Other people's artwork relating to the garden, I buy it it at markets and it makes my garden look good. Makes me happy.

Doing really fun stuff with my kids, this was recently at the lake, my son was a little self conscious at other people watching us SUP as it was very busy there, I tune people out easily I just don't look at them, lol. His biggest fear happened and I calmly watched my very proficient swimmer fall off the board lose the paddle, dive under retrieve it jump back on the board and do a victory salute! I swear other parents were watching me wondering when I was going to jump in and save him and I know my kids well though, he would have died of embarrassment had I jumped in hysterically.  We went straight home for a warm shower and he was on a natural high. "Omg mum falling in wasn't so bad, best fun EVER, can we go go back  so I can fall in again"? Lol

My favorite thing, exercising, warmth, water and not falling off!

Simple things like the sunset, knowing another beautiful day is coming tomorrow and I am going to be ok.

My dog, he's not looking good here, his face was swollen and he had just been stung by a bee, but he's always there for me.

My chooks, I just love them, my rooster most of all, I love that he wakes me at sunlight when I am meant to be up. This isn't my rooster it's a hen. 

My spiritual beliefs, and constant desire to learn all I can about being a better person spiritually, that learning never ends for me.

My yoga, I absolutely adore my yoga, I will practise everyday either at the studio or at home, I have the best yoga teacher ever who has become a really close and special friend to me, I have seen her go through adversity and come through and she is someone I admire greatly and have learnt from and continue to learn from everytime I talk to her and she has seen me go through and helped me through a tough time too and been there every step on the way.

Finally I have mastered two differed types of headstand, something I needed to do by December. It's all in video though I can't work out how to get that on blogger.

Garden shows and getting out into the world showing kids things that can be created by others be it in an art gallery or in a garden, we go to many open gardens, I want my kiss to love and appreciate a beautiful garden too.

Found him!  My rooster Henry, my alarm clock. The people in the new units to be built right on my boundary fence may not love him so much though...progress, :(

One of my bikes, I have a good life.

I want to mention friends, but I am hesitant to post pictures of them but I have a few who have been amazing this year, really amazing, I hope I can be as special to them one day.

Healthy food and coffee, I love it!

One of them gave me these beautiful flowers, another takes me to the movies often just to get mymi d distracted for a bit off, another goes for coffee with me, and another sends me texts and cards to keep my spirits up, many came walking with me when I was fast walking all time. I am really very blessed, most won't read this, they aren't aware I blog, but thank you. Xxx

Forced Rest = Garden time

Sometime I exercise too much and think I can run. So I ran home from walking my son to school.  I think I can do anything at times, I can't. I injured my knees so have been at home gardening slowly trying to enjoy my home.  I never really enjoy forced rest, but I think my plants benifitted. My legs are healing I adapted my exercise I don't do zero exercise so finally on the mend.

To be honest this week sometimes I have no words, sometimes there's so much you can never say so it manifests physically.  I'm my case my hair is rapidly falling out.  I'm beyond devestated now I mean most people have chemo to loose this much hair.  Not me, just stress. Hopefully someone might show me how to use a headscarf nothing matters anymore.

October

October in the garden for me is a month of hard work as Spring brings forward new growth and I remove massive amounts of weeds, I can reflect and enjoy the bulbs I planted back in Autumn prepare the veggie garden for the Summer crop, harvest the last of the Winter crop and try and find some time to sit and enjoy my beautiful garden.

Gorgeous orange Ranunculas.

I walked around the corner of my clinic to see these beautiful Iris's had flowered.  I divided all my Irises this year and have a ton to flowers along the front, I so love the excitement Spring brings.

This is a Tulip that seems to have a hard time staying closed.  It's like the ones slightly deranged one amongst a clump of very serious Tulips.  Of course I relate, it's my favorite. It's out there saying "I can do anything, be anything, nothing's going to hold me back, please accept me I am different".

It's serious friends. The straight Tulips.

A friend brought me these on a trip and I love them, they are so typically me.

The weather has been getting better around here and I am getting much stronger, gaining weight and building muscle, this is my Vintage bike. No gears, hard slog around 25 kilos to push up hills.  I love it. I try to get out and do around 100 km a week on it. Don't think I have used my car for about a week, so good to get out in the fresh air.  I do get some odd looks on it but that's ok. The bright colours I dress in I would get looks regardless.

When I ride hard I get my appetite back and can eat, this is my delicious tofu stir fry, absolutely love this meal, goes down a treat after yoga class.

I have been to some markets of late and brought some second hand things, this was only $3.

This plant, $2, I repotted into an old Bonsai pot. I love the idea of Bonsai, I'm really not very good at maintaining the plants though.

Please excuse dishes, and the rubbish bin no dishwasher here.  Skirt Cooper by Trelese.  $15 Necklace, $5!!! Apparently the label skirt normally sells for $400, I'm not sure as I usually buy from Big W, but the lady at Talbot Market seemed very knowledgeable in these things and I love the skirt it's very unusual not my usual sort of thing. I got a Liz Clairebourne jacket to go with it, also $15! Very blessed!

Looking forward to making some Spearmint tea over Summer.

This is Banana Mint, cannot wait to taste this one!

I really enjoy markets and second hand products, particularly vintage. Talbot market is one of my favorites for excellent buys as is Daylesford. 

October is also a month of denial for me, November will be intense but October I have chosen to just concentrate of recovery from an intense few months, which means focusing on yoga, gardening, getting physically and mentally stronger, forgetting sll the bad stuff and sorting out my diet out accepting I cannot do my paid work right now, studying on self reflection, mindfulness and how best to manage the challenges I have been cursed/blessed with.

Wish me luck I possibly won't be as Zen come mid November! Although I am desperately hoping to do things differently this time around and not get as anxious!

Mindful Journey - Week 2

In a not very mindful moment I just accidentally deleted my last mindfulness post!  I began a mindfulness course online through one on the Uni's here in Victoria and it's a 6 week course I am now in week two although I have forged ahead a little bit as its self paced and with 2 of my boys returning from holidays tomorrow I needed to get ahead. I am up to week 4.

I am noticing some amazing changes mostly with my senses. They all seem to be at a heightened state the more I practise the mindful exercises. I can hear birdsong on my walks in the bush easier and time almost slows down when I notice these things.

My vision seems sharper in that I am catching sight of Butterfly's and Blue Wrens and little red birds I cannot name that I might not have noticed on my walks before.

I am drinking more water and picking up hunger cues I missed prior.  I am now eating again initially just increased my very basic set meals but today I felt like expanding and cooked two old favourites. I had already walked 5 km and cycled to yoga and it was during the Savasana asana (that relaxing end bit). I realised I was starving and craving eggs.

Eggs, Mushrooms and Spinach on Sourdough.  24 hours prior I wasn't eating egg yolks bread was a one piece a week deal so this is pretty huge for me.

Yes, I did walk around the lake afterwards but that's ok, the market was on and it was a beautiful day.

This was dinner a tofu spicy stir fry.  The dietician I see wanted me to expand on the veggies I was consuming and add tofu which I love, I have noticed taste is really sharp since I've been focused on mindfulness.

I lost a lot of muscle and weight with recent stress, I don't think I've ever been this fit and I have always been very healthy and fairly fit but certainly I am no longer strong and I need to be super strong to do my work so my mission is to get strong fast so I can return to work. These meals high in protein and nutrition will mean I can slowly start to lift weights and rebuild muscle.

I am back at hot yoga a few times a week have also taken to Hatha yoga which I usually reserve for Summer and am back cycling every day, getting stronger.

Cycling is excellent for mindfulness in this town if your not sharp on the bike the cars pretty much run you down!! I am blessed in that I live so close to town I can cycle anywhere and do, the Library, shops, Yoga and Post Office. I have a few bikes for my purposes one is a 25 kilo vintage bike with no gears at all and two large baskets on it.  That baby builds leg muscle like nothing else.

 

In some other mindful moments from today, this I spotted on my walk, these gorgeous babies, the father Swan was in the background watching me and I had my dog so I was scared make no mistake (Swans are to be feared at all times particularly when babies in tow) however, I trusted something divine would protect me taking the picture as I stood in the middle of fearful dog and bold swan.

I also stopped the walk to do a mindfulness practise running through each of the senses;

The wind on my face.

The scent of the blossoms from the nearby trees and water.

The touch of my hands in my lap.

The view of the sparkly water.

The sound of the water lapping against the pontoon.

Then 5 deep breaths the out breath always longer and deeper than the in breath to activate the parasympathetic nervous system. Calms everything down.

It was lovely actually and although I got the urge to cartwheel back to shore, very happy mood with this sunshine,  I held back and kept serene before continuing my walk.

I have better shots of my Tulips but wanted to explain this flower opens to the eastern sun and seems to close again as it gets to hot later in the day. Not that it's getting hot we have literally had 3 warmish days in 6 months but never the less that's what happens.  I was weeding next to these Tulips - there are 5 opened now and I heard this constant buzzing. I worked out a Bee had gotten stuck as the Tulip had closed much like a Fly trap plant but without the morbid end.  I gently opened the flower and Bee flew off.  I am pretty allergic to Bees so I was pretty happy it didn't sting me. Heightened hearing!

Just look at the centre, I feel like some  random stranger off the street has been in with a textas colouring in my flower to perfection, this is perfection for me and for me this is what life is about noticing the beauty in the simple things. You don't do this when consumed with thoughts particularly stressful ones.

I do wish I could get a decent shot on this iPhone camera but I've yet to actually work out how to use it, suffice to say the sunset looked much prettier in real life than on here it was such a magical moment.  Visual bliss.

I'm loving this course!

Spring 2015.

Still raining!!!! Everyone up here keeps saying not enough rain.  They need need to get over to my place, the clouds are hanging this way, constant drizzle!

I did get out in the garden this week to take some pictures during some moments when it briefly stopped.

I do love how my Russell Lupin leaves catch the rain though, one of our more scientific garden helpers at the school explained how this works once a couple of years back, I can't re explain as I didn't retain the information, it's more fun for kids with Nastursians and cabbage leaves. I remember having hours of fun with a bit of water and Mums Nastursian leaves.  Clearly no Internet when I was a kid!

One of my weirder Daffodils. 

Such a cheap pot! Happy flowers, no clients to greet for them right now, hopefully soon.

Wish I clever and could make eczema creme with these Marigolds for the first time since a baby my youngest has broken out with a nasty patch of eczema & it I prefer the natural methods first.  Although it's so bad you just have to treat before it gets too bad. Maybe I might boil some flowers up and research for later on.

I think I brought about 10 other varieties of these Hellebores last year I must go searching for where they were planted.  Maybe under all the weeds I suspect...

Typical cat has to stand right in the weeds for a picture.

Plates are broken so often in this house - kids dry the dishes, I have decide they look better in the garden in a bare spot than in the recycle bin. Might look better with a plant in front of it.

Chooks have started laying again, right when my sports mad eldest has decided he's sick of eating eggs and I have stopped eating them! Must be a sign it's time to start eating them again!